Untitled…

2 Corinthians 12:8-9

I have lapses too.
We’ve had conversations too.
I’ve been told that I can’t get better till I hit rock bottom.
So I’ve pushed through every hard surface I’ve hit just to make sure it was in fact rock bottom.
I’ve been told that my redemption won’t come until I rolled around in it and got dirty.
I do not know who I am anymore.
The change has been far uglier than I had imagined
Where is the white hand of grace he said would surely come after I had fallen hard?
I have been so busy quarrying for rock bottom I failed to see escape plans provided for from the hand of grace.
I was not desperate to find rock bottom to be saved.
I enjoyed finding my new levels of low.
Attacking myself with a sickly ferociousness.
Telling myself one more for old times sake
Was whispered to me in the dirt of my darkness.
I waited for the overwhelming feeling and gave in.
I’m not at rock bottom anymore.
I’ve dug myself to hell.
We don’t have conversations anymore.
He laughs at me indignantly when I point out but you said if I….
I wasn’t tricked
I played the victim to hide the pleasure I found in falling
Now the smell hits me everyday like a bad victory.
Who was I even waiting for at the start?
Will He Know to look down here for me?
I had lapses too…

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